Journey of An Unsociable Loser

Diary Archive - 2025

April

2025.04.13 - 5:12 PM: I'm back from the store. I got nervous because I was having trouble deciding so I rushed and all I ended up getting was an energy drink, gum, an ice cream bar, and some slim jim meat sticks. I ended up just eating a microwave burrito for lunch instead. That didn't go according to plan but this monster is refreshing. I'm satisfied with today.

2025.04.13 - 4:00 PM: Listening to Gabberzon! I made a bit of money doing IM work, so inspired by the mcdonalds scene from WataMote, I'm going to go to the nearby convenience store to get some snacks.

2025.04.12 - 7:54 PM: I finished the injection. That was really painful. I have to go do a thing with my family in a sec so I have to keep this entry short. Luckily I only have to do this twice a month. That being said, it hurts. Really hurts. This better actually work for my eczema or else I'm suing whoever invented it for a decillion dollars.

2025.04.12 - 6:45 PM: I'm probably going to do away with doing the whole "Listening to X" thing, it's kind of annoying to write those. I just wanted to give an update on the medication. The medication in question is dupilumab 300mg/2mL. I'm going to do the injection soon after I give it some time to adjust to room temperature. I read over the instructions and used one of those practice pens without the needle or the medication but I'm still really nervous about this. It's only once a week but this first dose I have to do it twice (why, I don't exactly know). I'm really nervous about how much it's going to hurt, not specifically from the needle, I've been told the gauge is smaller than even that of common vaccinations, it's the "discomfort from the medication making contact with subcutaneous tissue", (whatever that means) that my dermatologist told me about.

2025.04.12 - 2:59 PM: Still listening to one of the best albums I've ever had the pleasure of being reccomended. I wanted to give an update on the whole incense debacle, the smell definitely isn't gone but it's going away. In a bit I have to take my new prescription for my chronic untreated eczema (atopic dermatitis). Not only is it an injection that takes like 15 seconds, but for the first dose I have to take 2 of them. This is going to hurt.

2025.04.12 - 2:33 PM: Listening to potentially one of the best albums I've ever had the pleasure of being reccomended. It kind of reminds me of Mass Of The Fermenting Dregs. Anyways, I feel like shit. I'm looking at my old neighborhoods on Google Street View, realizing that I've wasted potentially the most important years of my life. Hell, I've already wasted my entire life so far. I've spent what was supposed to be the peak of my popularity socially isolated, alone, and unloved.

2025.04.11 - 7:42 PM: Listening to this YouTube upload of a Nexpo podcast episode. I'm sorry I haven't been updating this. I've been really busy lately but it's the weekend now so I can actually update the website. I tried burning incense again. It didn't go to well. I didn't curse myself or anything but I flooded the upstairs half of my house with a godawful cigarette-like stench. I had to try and ventilate it and dump out an entire can of Frebreeze in it but it's not really doing much. It's all gotten into my hair and clothes, I hope it goes away soon.

2025.04.08 - 11:03 PM: Not actually listening to anything right now, but I just got a great idea. You know that demo I posted on the music page? Well I got the idea to film a short music video/visualizer for it. There are plenty of great places to get nostalgic-looking shots of my city, and I have the perfect inspiration. Go watch Lucky Three and look at the shots of portland that they did. I think if I were to do something like that, it would turn out great.

2025.04.08 - 4:10 PM: Listening to god doesn't love me anymore by activedenialsystems. Just got home from school. The philly cheesesteak I had for lunch was really good, especially after I put sriracha on it. I love sriracha so much, it goes great on literally everything. I could put sriracha on a cheesecake and it would probably still taste good. Am I going to try it? Absolutely not, but it drives home the point I'm trying to make.

2025.04.07 - 2:48 PM: Addendum to 2025.04.06 - 12:34 PM. From my understanding, the nightmare was actually unrelated to the incense, and was actually a weird dream-flashback to a suicide attempt from a couple months ago, I apologize for the confusion.

2025.04.07 - 2:43 PM: Listening to あぁあぁあぁああぁあぁああぁ. I turn 18 in exactly 2 months now. I'm really not sure how to feel about that. Every year draws closer the reality that I have to somehow find the energy and motivation to get up and do something with my life. My 17th birthday wasn't easy either, just grasping the idea that I really am not a kid anymore. I feel as if I never truly mentally aged past 14. I wonder if social isolation had anything to do with that.

2025.04.06 - 8:41 PM: Listening to アブストラクト・ナンセンス right now. I tried going outside and doing something with my hands. My family has a few pallettes in their garage that they intend to break down into scrap wood for a project. I tried and tried with everythning from screwdrivers to hammers to a crowbar to break one down but I only managed to get one board off. I don't really feel better or like anything has changed. I found a giant stick outside in my backyard that I really want to cut and fashion into some kind of walking/hiking stick, might motivate me to go outside more, and as far as I know, that will help me cope with being isolated. However, I seriously don't have the motivation to actually committ myself to working on a project, especially since I don't have the tools for the job. As for the incense situation, yeah, I think I was just being paranoid.

2025.04.06 - 1:45 PM: Listening to I Don't Love You right now. I threw away the stick. I'm starting to think that I'm just being paranoid. I still don't want to take any chances with that stick, so I don't regret throwing it away. It honestly seemed kind of dubious the whole time, and I have other incense sticks that seem less foreboding. This'll all blow over.

2025.04.06 - 12:34 PM: Listening to a nightcore remix of a three days grace song. Last night I purchased some incense in an attempt to make the musty smell from my humidifier go away. I got three scents, one of which being free. The free one was the only one that fit in the holder that I bought (and even then I had to improvise an ashtray for it because it was bent). Now it smelled really good, and it was apparently really expensive, so I decided to only burn like 1/5th of the stick because I didn't want it to go to waste. It smelled great and helped with the humidifier smell, but after a few hours of the scent lingering in my room for some strange reason I started feeling really sleepy. I just ignored it for a while, ate dinner (at 12am like a boss), and went to bed. However, I slept for 12 hours straight and during those 12 hours I had possibly one of the worst nightmares of my life. In the dream I was in my room (albeit a very different version of it in a completely different house, this always happens in my dreams for some reason), and in bed, in the exact same situation as I had been in last night. For some reason, I began becoming increasingly lethargic, to some extent, and I tried getting up, only to be incredibly disoriented and unable to maintain my balance. I laid back down, and for some strange reason there was a half-eaten pink popsicle in my hand, I'm not exactly sure why. I ended up dropping the popsicle next to me on the bed, being unable to pick it back up and throw it in the trash. I started to become paralyzed, and started to get really scared as my lungs began to stop working. This cycle continues until eventually I wake up in the real world and question whether I was dreaming or not. There is nothing in this world that will convince me that the incense I used isn't cursed. I'm stuck on what to do with it, if I throw it away it might come back like a creepy doll in a horror movie. If I keep it, it might curse me even more. Im debating burning a different stick of incense obtained under less sketchy circumstances, but I have no idea if it will do the same thing or not. I'm sure it'll all blow over if I just dont burn that stick again.

2025.04.05 - 9:25 PM: Listening to ワールドイズユアーズ right now. Lately I've developed a strange interest in birds, or more specifically their calls and noises. I don't exactly know why, but I find videos of bird noises to be very fascinating, especially those that have rather unusual appearances and sounds. My favorite bird is the willow ptarmigan. They look like cool pets, kind of like chickens but smaller and with much cooler sounds, however not only do I live in a climate that likely isn't cold enough for them, but they are also very aggressive. Most ptarmigans, especially males, don't really like humans and will attack us after making strange noises to confuse us, like in this video. However, I can dream. Another favorite is the lyrebird, and its ability to mimic virtually any sound it hears . Listening to it mimic forestry equipment is kind of messed up if you think about the implications of how it learned that sound. As for keeping these as pets, I'm scared of the idea of having a pet bird that knows how to mimic because what if it hears someone getting killed in like a movie or TV show and just randomly starts screaming in the middle of the night. And even if that wasn't a possibility and neither of these birds had those downsides, birds are kinda high-maintenance pets to a certain extent. I'm not really cut out for them.

2025.04.05 - 8:51 PM: It took me quite a bit of work, but I finally got the website up and running. I REALLY hope that my attention span allows me to actively maintain this website for long periods of time, preferrably the rest of my life. It would be nice to be able to look back on this, all of my life's work in one place.