(cross-posted from my channel and spacehey) ok so i need to make some important updates to the whole melz0607... brand or whatever. doing these vlogs is just completely unsustainable for me. i can't stomach looking myself in the eye like that and seeing what i've become. i'm not quitting youtube, but i am changing some stuff; i'm not doing vlogs anymore, at least not in a traditional sense, and i'm probably going to shift more focus to my website and/or other types of content. sorry.
something of note finally happened. i survived a crowded social situation today. my brother had his open house at the high school he's going to (that i went to) and actually talked to a few teachers since they knew me because i had them last year. good stuff.
i have nothing of value to say but i feel like i need to upload and post to my blog to prove that im alive. blogging about being a shutin is difficult when nothing is going on in your life.
i got my license (did i mention this last video?). i've actually managed to get out more.. only because my mom keeps making me run errands for her instead of doing it herself. hopefully this will stop, i feel like im torturing myself going outside and trying to talk to people, even if they're small interactions like "do you have a CVS membership" "no". and another thing: running these errands is getting harder because the city is trying to get in all of their road work before winter comes so they keep closing the main roads without telling me, forcing me to find a random lot to park in and look up directions. i dont really mind driving alone, in fact i kinda like it especially because i have a CD player and a decent sound system.
hi guys. eventful day. before i get into it i want to mention that i started posting my blog to both my website and my spacehey. if you're reading this on spacehey, then all of the blog entries on here are pulled directly from my website. if you're reading this on my website, all of the blog entries are also posted on spacehey. anyways, today i made a horrible mistake; going outside. i went to the store just so i could say i went outside on my own volition at least once my life. i ended up in an hour-long nightmare where i spent the whole time, the bus rides and in the store on the verge of a panic attack, drenched in sweat and overheating from the humidity, and on the verge of tears. the transit here is pretty good but the summer weather and my social anxiety is not. i dont care what this means for my "recovery" but im never doing this again. i give up.
in better spirits today. i am getting a new phone soon and might be able to record actually tolerable videos soon. i WAS going to get my license yesterday but i failed my test (because i was LIED TO about the speed limit and wasnt told i had to back into a spot from a 90 degree angle!!!!!!)... i have no idea when the next time i can retake it is but theres a likely chance i will get my license at some point soon. if u want me to be honest i dont think it will help much. more to come.
i know i say this every single time but im sorry for not posting. it's gotten worse. so much fucking worse. my health is failing yet again and the depression has gotten a lot worse. i delayed the college conversation to next year and completely gave up on my future. i'm still going to do my FAFSA like normal but even they know it's too late for me. i'm sorry everyone. i've fucked myself over big time. i'm not going to stop updating this blog or uploading but it's insanely difficult to find the motivation to do just about anything. i don't know what i'm going to do. i can't remember the last time i slept or ate more than one meal per day. my health, mentally and physically, is starting to deteriorate and every heartbeat feels like a gamble. to those of you who have stayed this whole time: i love all of you and i'm sorry it's turning out this way. there is no more hope for me. i love all of my fans. please turn back before you end up like this.
sorry i havent updated my blog. i havebeen in a severely depressing stoop for quite a while but annyways after shutting myself in for god knows how long i'm going to the thrift store to possibly find a new keyboard or a camera or something. in case you're wondering about Enigma, development has stalled due to a lack of motivation.
i got a contract job as an entry-level SEO specialist. i did the math - if i work about 35 hours plus the $500 bonus upon project completion, my total earnings will be about $1,000. think of all the cheap ramen that money can buy...
apologies for not really updating the blog lately. for once in my life i actually have a hobby (that i may turn into a career if i ever have the energy and motivation to go to college); i've gotten back into programming and software development, i'm working on a text encryption program called Project Enigma, i might post devlogs to my youtube channel, or i'll keep them here. most likely it will be the latter. as for my youtube channel, i will potentially upload this week.
its official. my mom is trying to force me out of my shitty hikkineet lifestyle. it's definitely a good thing but i really dont like the idea of being forced out of it and not on my own time. but to be honest she isnt forcing me to socialize with annyone other than my family, she just doesnt want me locking myself in my room. still though, with that being said, it's progress
i knew the last entry was foreshadowing somthing big; my life has gone back to shit arguably worse than it was before. my psyche is starting to deteriorate from the prolonged social isolation; this is what i meant in the youtube post talking about my "health". i'll attempt to get a video out today but thigs are not going well.
for once in a purple, pink, whatever color moon you feel like, i'm having an eventful day week! so what happened today? well you know how ive been worried about my youtube channel because i couldn't find a new camera? well i'll have you know i'm typing this on a new (not really new but new to me) laptop with a webcam, i wouldve made a video as soon as i reinstalled windows and got this thing running, but it's 1 in the morning and i kinda live with my family and don't want to annoy them while they're trying to sleep. anyways this thursday i'm going to have an actual chance to leave my house and socialize a bit; i have family coming from out-of-state who have never been to the twin cities, so we're all going to the mall of america (i've already been before but i didnt even make a dent in the sheer number of stores to visit, and that isnt even talking about the themepark inside the mall) and the best pizza chain in the entire country (don't wanna start any flamewars so i'll keep it a secret ;3). oh yeah as i was typing this i forgot to mention it; i finally got one of those window-mounted AC units so my room isn't making my old house in the south look like antarctica.
we conclude another nothingburger day in my horrible life. as for the camera situation, i still don't have one, i can't find the old laptop anymore, it might have gotten thrown out or something.
NEET life is not treating me well. i am chronically lonely, i can't even take basic care of myself anymore, and the days are starting to blend together. i still haven't found a camera to record vlogs with and im sorry for that. i may have to try some other type of content at this point.
make it stop
im 18 now. i am kinda depressed about it. if i can get the laptop to work i will make a video about it.
well everyone, it's official. i finished high school. i have a lot of mixed emotions. i don't actually "graduate" until next wednesday, but today was my last regular day of school.
i got the guestbook set up. its not perfect but its what i wanted. the left side of my face hurts, i think i'm going to go lay down.
ive decided im going to try to setup that message box thing now. as mentioned on my youtube channel, i no longer have access to the school laptop camera. i might see if i can get an old business laptop running that has a webcam that i can maybe use.
hi guys. a lot has happened. my parents basically view me as an adult now, so they gave me an extra room in the house and have basically carved out half of the upstairs of the house for me to live in. i don't like being an adult. this sucks.
listening to Three Days Grace - I hate everything about you. it's come to my attention that all of the external links on my website have been mojibaked to all hell. i have no idea how to fix this. i'm trying something new today; i wrote this at school then emailed myself to copy/paste it to the website. anyways, about that message box thing; the idea for it is that people can type messages/questions to m e and it displays them on the website. however, i have zero clue how to implement something like this.
pulling an all-nighter. im debating making some kind of message box system on my website but i'm not really sure as to how to implement such a thing. might research this.
i'm sure you saw what happened in my last video. it's not very fun but hey, at least i face-revealed. i decided that since socialization is a distant glimpse into the past, i'll just delve deeper into my hobbies to balance it out. i'm creating a new page to post random car-related content, but mostly finds from my strange google maps car-spotting hobby (more on that later).
on a 4 day weekend (because of senior skip day) now. listening to そうして私が. i mowed the lawn and messed up my sinuses for a little bit. i guess i'm not used to the midwest pollen. i took a shower earlier and feel much better. i kind of feel like i'm in a weird limbo right now. i was supposed to edit that film but i'm taking today off. the assignment isn't even due until next month so idk why im freaking out about it. that being said, melanie lives another day.
good news and bad news: german kid never responded, said anything to me IRL, BUT, i did the same trick with C and he not only took the paper but immediately texted "how's it going?" so clearly something good happened today. i've started work on a short film for my final project in my film class, but i cant really show it or the script because it's extremely personal and almost all of the shots are done on location, locations that could probably easily doxx me, lol. sorry. i can talk about it though.
today has been a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions and events. i don't know the certanity of anything that has happened today but i know that i alteast have one friend. so basically the reason why im saying all of this is because first my friend let me hang out with his friend group, then i met this german guy that i'm slowly becoming unhealthily obsessed with, i gave him my number, and he never texted me. i'm starting to think i scared him away and i feel like shit for it.
i finally got the new website up and running. before i upload my youtube video about it, i'm going to go ahead and bring up something VERY important. i made a friend. like, an actual IRL friend. i know i had talked about a friend group earlier, but i found out that apparently it was just a one time thing and this guy (for anonymity's sake i'll call him C), doesn't really hang out with that group. that being said though, i sat with him and his other friend at lunch today and i finally got to know his name, and i got to talk to him more.
i sorta proved my hypothesis of whether hes actually my friend or not when i ran into him in the hallway. C said hi to me out of nowhere, of course i just said hi back without actually approaching him since i was late to class but still, that proves that he definitely views me as a friend. this sounds really out of pocket but it's kinda difficult to have guy friends and NOT be attracted to them when you're this lonely.
either way, today was a good day, and do you know what that means? it means that melanie lives another day.